Dear Ugandan Politician…

…a letter from a Digital Youth

Although general elections in Uganda are set for early next year, the political games are already intense. The big boss is moving around the country launching everything that can be launched just to get that headline of “Museveni donates…”

His main rivals are yet to be clear about how they plan to take on the man who owns all the money and oil in Uganda. At other levels would-be aspirants are also sizing up themselves for the vote with all tribes of promises they will never fulfill.

We the youth make up the majority of the voting population but many, especially the urban elites, never bother to vote. For us voting is a very boring exercise. Imagine waking up early in the morning and having to spend hours in the queue with people who are not even on Twitter or Facebook.

If we eventually vote, then we have to spend days with that funny ink on our fingers, a sign that we were bored enough to go out and determine the future of our country. I however think that if politicians were addressing issues that really impact on our urban lives then maybe, just maybe we would step out and vote.

By now it should be obvious that we your prospective voters do not really live in Uganda but on the internet or precisely on Social Media. Do you have anything in your manifesto that aims to ease this our lifestyle?

Hey you! I am talking to you...

Hey you! I am talking to you…

We want to hear you talking about lowering the price of internet data bundles. We are living very miserable lives thanks to the speed at which data bundles disappear each time we mistakenly tap the Instagram app. very soon we shall hit the streets to protest this gross violation of our rights.

If you can’t promise lower data prices at least assure us that as a leader you will ensure that there are more places with free wifi other than those coffee shops whose prices make us feel like we are actually buying off a coffee farm when the bill is placed on the table.

How about free wifi in all public toilets. Do you know who many female voters this can win you since most selfies are taken in front of bathroom mirrors with the lips extended in a manner that most ducks we spoke to consider to be outright copyright infringement?

Quack! that's copyrighted you stupid human

Quack! that’s already copyrighted you stupid human

We could also do with free wifi at church so we can use the Bible app during the sermon or more importantly send out Mavuno Church tweets. We surely cannot be worrying about tithe and data bundles at the same time.

When it comes to security please do not tell us about the benefits of sending UPDF troops to fight in Somalia or Juba. We just need to be assured that we can take a selfie on a boda boda in Wandegeya without someone snatching our phones. For us security is not just assurance that I will be mugged for my cheap HP laptop but also that I can leave an annoying work/family WhatsApp group without being looked at like a treason suspect.

1909615_10153029070408079_3621257901361192602_n

I honestly don’t understand how you keep telling us about how bad things were before 1986 yet we still go to restaurants and can’t find a place where to charge our phones from. I will not even mention UMEME’s terrorism if only you can assure my people, the young voters that the price of power banks will go down the moment you are elected. The way things are lately, some of us need power banks for our power banks. I am sure you don’t know how much the development of this country suffers each time a young productive person like me with a folder for memes fails to join a trending topic on Twitter just because UMEME thinks power is a luxury.

That look we give when UMEME leaves us in darkness..

That look we give when UMEME leaves us in darkness…

Of course we love it when you give us those brown envelopes with money and the cheap T-Shirts with your face on them. They really come in handy when one wants to wash a car or mop the house. But the real magic if you want young urban votes to step out and vote then you ought to start by following back those of us who follow you on Twitter? Is that so much to ask? As for those who block us when we tweet some funny things about you, hoping to get some retweets from our friends, I hope all your votes are stolen when the counting is done. 

When Hon. Anite and Tumwebaze block you yet Amama Mbabazi refused to follow you back.

When Hon. Anite and Tumwebaze block you yet Amama Mbabazi refused to follow you back.

There are a few times when we get off social media to see how other human beings live. Here too we find problems that if you could fix then you would take all our votes and more. Can you for instance include in your manifesto that each time it rains in the evening the traffic will not be so bad and get worse when you show up with your annoying escort cars to bully us off the road? How can going to your home be an emergency, don’t you have hobbies. Would you die if you got home late and told your spouse that you were in a meeting? You can even just find a place and play a game of pool as the traffic eases.

Did you also know that you can be a politician for life if you dared to assure us that the number of curtain raisers at concerts will be cut down to just one. When we attend these concerts we have to live tweet so our friends can know we are cooler than them. Therefore we can’t be wasting our battery and bundles on chaps like Khalifa Aganaga. Duh!

Do you really have to count the pieces of meat even when the doctor recommended I eat at least 4?

Why do you look at me like that yet my doctor recommended I eat at least four pieces of meat…

Then there are days when we go for lunch at these places that not only serve food but it is a buffet. I swear I will rig an election for that one candidate that is patriotic enough to assure me that at the buffet table there won’t be a mean lady to give me that look that compels me to pretend that I didn’t want a second piece of meat.

But is this form of food terrorism even legal? How come with all the vegetarians in this world we never see anyone at the buffet table counting how many peas one puts on their plate. Why do they discriminate against us who love meat and chicken?

Last but not least, I really think if you want us to come out and vote for you then you should just create Twitter accounts and the ones with most followers take the day. We honestly don’t have time to stand in long queues just to show you we love you. Remember we are too lazy to even write Happy Birthday in full. HBD does it for us. That should tell you something about us the Digital Youth of Uganda.

PS: The views expressed above are of a deluded jerk that accessed this blog without permission. Investigations are still going on to establish his intentions but thank you for reading all the same.

Advertisements

About Allan Ssenyonga

I am a Ugandan freelance writer/journalist based in Kigali, Rwanda. I have an insatiable desire for understanding and trying to explain media, political, cultural and social dynamics.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Dear Ugandan Politician…

  1. nevender says:

    And some people were saying humour doesn’t communicate. Well said.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Niwagaba Roland says:

    Of course we love it when you give us those brown envelopes with money and the cheap T-Shirts with your face on them. They really come in handy when one wants to wash a car or mop the house? #ForTheWin

    Like

  3. sharonwinie says:

    Reblogged this on sharonwinie's Blog and commented:
    Lmaooooo truth just

    Like

  4. kabogo G says:

    Hahahaha! Great piece I hope mzeiiiiyii won’t go Kuku on realizing the number of followers on twitter and face book don’t really line up to vote….. #SomeOneAsk Peter Kenneth what happened to him in 2013! He won it on twirrer!

    Like

  5. Guulo says:

    “…How can going to your home be an emergency…”….really, how?!

    Like

  6. intrested stories keep it up100% good

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s